I’m So Over Cuomo… and All Men

On Tuesday, I woke up to a text from my friend Ashley* celebrating the resignation of governor Cuomo.

Our group chat sent a host of celebratory phrases and emoji commemorating this day of “justice.”

But. . . is it really justice? The resignation is symbolic, yes, but any woman knows that for one resignation, there are hundreds (thousands… millions…) more abusers running free without consequence.

The follow-up text from Ashley said her friend, who had worked for Cuomo, had spent the entire day watching the news and crying in front of her TV.

I asked why. She said “I think the whole thing has just been very emotional. She dedicated a lot of time working for him and feels betrayed by him, as a boss, a leader, a person. It’s traumatic. I almost cried listening to the press conference. ”

A lightbulb went off in my brain. Recently, a friend of mine left an organization we had worked at together, under the leadership of a harassing boss. The day she told me she was leaving, I cried, too. We sat on the phone together as I finally felt a wave of relief wash over me. For her, and for me. For all of us. I felt like we were finally free.

As I put these pieces together… Ashley’s friend, my friend and me, I wondered… How many other women have had their days impacted JUST by watching the news? Whether a person in power was held accountable for their abuse (Cuomo), or because a conviction was overturned (Cosby)?

According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, 81% of women have reported experiencing some form of sexual harassment and/or assault in their lifetime. And that’s just women who reported.

We know that sexual violence causes trauma, but what does that mean?

For me personally, it means every time a man is in the news for his abuse, I get extremely angry. I have to stop whatever I’m doing, and write articles like this one. I can’t focus on anything else. And then I get exhausted. It’s reliving your trauma over and over and over again.

And how much TIME have we wasted on these men? Not only do we have to endure the actual abuse, we have to endure the after-effects of the abuse. The trauma. The random days of exhaustion. And, the fear, the anxiety, the worry that expands if you still have to see this person. The recounting of the event in your brain, which, to your brain, is the same as reliving the event all over again.

And because time = money. How much money have we wasted on this? The National Sexual Violence Resource Center estimates the lifetime cost of rape is $122,461 per victim.

UGH.

As if women don’t have enough societal burdens to bear. The toll that birth control takes on our bodies and mind. Domestic abuse. Pay Inequality. Gender bias, whether conscious or unconscious. Child care. Domestic tasks. The list goes on. These all fall on women. And the coronavirus only exacerbated that domestic burden, in 2020 the female workforce dropped to 57%; the lowest it’s been since 1988.

We talk about the long-term effects of COVID, but what are the long-term effects of sexual abuse to women?

What would happen if we stopped cutting women off at the knee, and let them live?

What would happen if women were paid equal to men? What would happen if millions of men took birth control and had to deal with the side effects? What if men running for office were discriminated against based on their gender? What if men were affected each time an abuser showed his face on TV, on social media, or in your house or office? How would our world be different?

I know, I know. It’s “not all men.”

But I’ll start worrying about men when women can stop worrying about abuse.

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*Name changed for confidentiality.