On Guilt and Radical Responsibility

Day 1

May 13, 2021

I was laying here watching the ceiling fan go round and round when I had an epiphany about guilt. (Damn it’s really true what they say about ideas coming when you’re not trying, huh?)

I was staring at the fan, thinking about my family. My dad, my mom, and my sister. They are everything to me. But so often, I feel GUILTY when I can’t spend enough time with them, or give them what they need. Whether those needs are said or whether they’re something I made up in my head.

I brewed myself a cup of tea, came back to my room, and stared at myself in the mirror. R E A L L Y looked. I had heard of doing this as a spiritual practice and figured I’d start now.

When I peered into my own eyes, I saw honest, sweet, kind eyes staring back at me.

And I realized, she is not doing anything to make anybody else upset. She would never do that.

And then I saw past myself. Or, deeper into myself. And I realized… I am also a SOUL which is connected to the magnitude of the universe and greater consciousness itself. Our souls are the universe.

I have a universe inside of me, and you have a universe inside of you.

And sometimes that soul, that universe, has a different plan for you. Not everybody is going to understand it. It’s going to look different than what the vast majority of people do. And that’s a good thing.

Side note — why are we all trying to do the same thing?

We live in a fucking GALAXY. With all of these different energies, souls, personalities and ideas swirling around. We are magic.

The point is, trekking to Hawaii is about me following my soul’s path. My intuition. That little voice inside my head that keeps getting louder. And I had the courage to follow it. Even though it seemed crazy. Even though it upset some people.

And me doing this… is only about me. It has literally nothing to do with anybody else.

And I need to start acting like it.

The whole issue I have is about PEOPLE PLEASING and APPROVAL.

This is why one of my “go-to emotions” (per my therapist) is guilt.

When I feel like I can’t give people what (I think) they want, I feel guilty. And I feel guilty so often it should be a crime.

When I take RADICAL RESPONSIBILITY of my own life, it eliminates all of the guilt.

WHY?

Because if I am taking 100% responsibility for my own actions it means that I simply cannot take on what other people feel, because guess what… IT’S NOT MINE. And things that aren’t mine are not my responsibility. It’s theirs! It’s their feelings! Not mine!! Theirs!!

WOW. What an epiphany. One day sober and totally killing it.