Saving My Own Damn Self

Day 11

Today is the first day in my life that I felt true freedom and independence.

Have you ever felt that?

I went on a hike to a hidden beach in Princeville today. As I was laying on the warm sand, eyes closed, zenning out, a word popped into my brain.

“Heroine.”

At first I was like, “Heroin? Uh, Universe, I don’t want that.”

Then I realized. Ohhhhhhh. Heroine.

I am my own heroine.

After years of waiting for someone to come and save me; I swooped in on a white horse and saved my own damn self.

And that — is so empowering.

Throughout my late teens and 20s. Up until …. now. I was waiting for someone, something, ANYONE, anything to save me.

What do I mean by save?

In my late teens and early 20’s I was really holding out hope for some hidden trust fund. Seriously. I had read all of the Gossip Girl books in high school and was really looking forward to a carefree life of summers in Paris and shopping at Bergdorf’s. The fact that I grew up lower middle class really shows you the lengths of my imagination. When I turned 30 and no one popped out my cake with a huge check, I finally realized that my imaginary trust fund did not exist in reality.

Le sigh.

My second hope of being saved:

The white knight, of course!

You know, the trope where a man comes along and makes everything better.

(Can we talk about how FAR OFF from real life that is? I have never met a man that drastically improved my quality of life. Have you?)

Thanks to romantic comedies and growing up hearing my mom say “you better marry rich because you have a champagne diet with a beer budget,” I was just WAITING to find a magical man that was going to whisk my problems away and replace them with sunshine, rainbows, a huge penis, and an even bigger bank account.

At this point in my life, it is now clear to me that my life is my responsibility. I used to spend my time blaming everyone and everything else for the perceived negative circumstances of my life. Not anymore.

I have been working with some mantras from Marianne Williamson’s A Course in Miracles and the concept of radical responsibility.

I have the affirmations pop up on my phone MULTIPLE times a day.

They say things like:

“I am 100% responsible for my own life.”

“I am not a victim of the world I see.”

“I have created the world I see.”

“The best way to predict the future is to create it.”

Reading these affirmations daily has been helpful in reframing my thoughts.

When you stop relying on others and start bringing the power back to yourself, you get to have moments like I did today.

Walking on the beach, ice cream in hand, listening to my daily soundtrack of waves crashing into the sand. And thinking…

I did this. I saved my own damn self. I am my own heroine.

And there’s no better feeling than that.